It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
