My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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