Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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