How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
