everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
