Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
