whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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