who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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