i was born a porn star she said
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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