i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
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Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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