how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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