if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
