I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
