Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
