we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
