I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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