Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
