I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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