I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
