Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I will be naked everywhere
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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