we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
