i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
