even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
