babies were throwing up all over the place
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
