Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
