i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
