ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
