I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
This toilet bowl is my home.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
