Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
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I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
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It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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