So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
