I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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