My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
