You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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