if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
