My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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