So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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