I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
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You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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