We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
