Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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