I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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