3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
it was like eating out sand paper
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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