never play flip cup with pint glasses
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
