If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I have post one night stand depression
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