Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
