I don't usually arrange sex via text message
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
