I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
