his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
