her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
