I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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