i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
