There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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