I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
