The maid of honor just puked.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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