i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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