I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
