I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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