i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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