Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
