My nipple is on Facebook.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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