just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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