he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
