would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
